The last year I have spent a lot of time looking into different M.E. programmes and into nutrition. I've had an incredibly stressful time trying to apply for ESA and PIP since I cannot work right now. Then there is the daily struggles of family and keeping in touch which friends.Therefore I feel like I have been mentally and physically drained a lot of the time. I put a lot of focus and dedication into things I want to achieve but when I have so many elements that I'm trying to work on, it becomes difficult not to be exhausted by it all.
There has been slight improvements I feel over the last few months, I have been able to go out a little bit more, even just going round the supermarket felt like an achievement again for me. A lot of that is down to my change in diet with help from my nutritionist. I actually managed my first night out with friends since becoming ill, which was huge progress for me.
However, with the more that I am doing it has meant that I've had a couple setbacks so far this year which last a few weeks. It is definitely not easy to deal with when you feel you have a glimmer of hope for it to be taken away again. You start to see old patterns emerging of becoming more isolated and emotionally drained. So many little things can bring me close to tears. Spending so much time at home makes me feel like I'm in the film Groundhog Day. The days and weeks blur together and I feel I have done so little in the time I have been ill.
However, with the more that I am doing it has meant that I've had a couple setbacks so far this year which last a few weeks. It is definitely not easy to deal with when you feel you have a glimmer of hope for it to be taken away again. You start to see old patterns emerging of becoming more isolated and emotionally drained. So many little things can bring me close to tears. Spending so much time at home makes me feel like I'm in the film Groundhog Day. The days and weeks blur together and I feel I have done so little in the time I have been ill.
Symptoms that I haven't seen in a while decide to make an appearance again, chest pains that feel like you've been kicked in the chest, dizziness and brain fog. Not to forget anxiety has been turned up again with the all too familiar signs of panic attacks. Basically everything has been heightened.
Then I start to question all the decisions I've made over the last few months, did I have to go to the shop on my way home, did I have to stop for lunch after my appointment.
Every time I have another setback I start to panic that I'm not going to feel better again, or that I'll end up bedridden again (I never want to experience that ever again). It's easy to forget that I have gone through this already numerous times. And each time I got through it and gradually my symptoms lessened. It's easy to let doubt creep in, making you think your not strong enough that your failing in some way. Then I think, I have been through a lot of shit and handled it pretty well. I am a lot stronger than some people may think, and even more than I realise myself.
Every time I have another setback I start to panic that I'm not going to feel better again, or that I'll end up bedridden again (I never want to experience that ever again). It's easy to forget that I have gone through this already numerous times. And each time I got through it and gradually my symptoms lessened. It's easy to let doubt creep in, making you think your not strong enough that your failing in some way. Then I think, I have been through a lot of shit and handled it pretty well. I am a lot stronger than some people may think, and even more than I realise myself.
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