My Story

In April 2015 things changed very suddenly. I was healthy one minute enjoying a wine course at work then I began feeling like I was going to pass out. I had vertigo and my vision was out of focus, I felt nauseous and shaky. I thought it was from missing breakfast and went home to get something to eat. I still wasn't feeling better later on that day after resting. I tried to go into work a few days later, but after a few hours I felt so dizzy and light headed I had to go home again.

I felt like I'd been hit with a really bad flu but I knew that wasn't what was wrong. I was dizzy, nauseous and felt so exhausted. The weeks after this are a bit of a blur now. I visited the doctor who ran some blood tests testing my blood sugar which came back negative. So they didn't know what was wrong and to quote my doctor I was "all a bit of a mystery". I felt so convinced that there was something really wrong, I had never felt this way before. It made me furious to see how dismissive the doctors were being. I just kept dealing with these symptoms every day until my heart was racing one day and I had a temperature so ended up going to the hospital. They did more tests such as an ECG and found nothing. I now know it was most likely caused from a panic attack as I had more of them later on.

After a few months I caught an infection since my immune system is so low. I was vomiting and shaking uncontrollably one night. It was terrifying as I was staying in a hotel and had to force myself to try sleep, then had the hour long drive back home fighting the urge to throw up.  The next few weeks was the worst time of my life. I felt so unwell I couldn't even sit up; I spent all day lying in bed sleeping. I couldn't shower for days then when I did I needed help drying my hair. There were nights I would lie in bed feeling like I was going to die. I was so scared I had to ask my mum to stay with me so I could sleep. I pray that I will never be that unwell again, feeling so helpless and terrified.

I went into hospital again after a doctor came to my house and saw how unwell I had become. I lay there hoping that when they ran more tests they could tell me what was wrong. I lay in the hospital bed going between feeling like I was going to be sick to feeling like I would pass out. I could see the doctors in front of me clearly at a loss at to what to do, so after my saline drip I was sent home. I then received a call from the doctor saying that I had tested positive for Glandular Fever. I finally had a answer to what was causing me to feel so unwell. Unfortunately there is no pill or cure for Glandular Fever. The months past and I was showing little signs of improvement. I joined a new GP practice and found an understanding doctor who finally has now diagnosed me with CFS/M.E. It has been bitter sweet. I'm am so glad to finally be able to say this is what's wrong with me after not knowing for so long. Especially so I can explain to my family and friends that this is the reason why I can't work anymore and why I spend all day at home, why I have to miss birthdays. M.E isn't a quick fix and I don't know how long it'll be before I recover, I am working hard to take steps to improve my health.

What I've realised is that it takes a long time and lots of baby steps to start to recover and rebuild your strength. I have tried to push myself and inevitably I end up crashing and feeling even worse for days or weeks. I recently had one of these setbacks which has last for a few months now. It not only knocked me down physically but also it has knocked my confidence and motivation.

Currently I've started to build my strength up a little but not to the point I was at a few months ago. I've been struggling to try new things to help my recovery. It's been over a year now and I still can't believe sometimes that I went from feeling normal to being this unwell. It has changed my life and who I am as a person. There are many things I can no longer do now and it can be extremely frustrating. When people ask me how I'm feeling with myself I basically say I could not be any more fed up with the situation. This is my life just now and one day it will change again. You have to take on whatever life's throws at you and take something from it. One of the reasons why I've started this blog is in the hope that I can make something positive from this negative experience.

Nicole x